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Post by ag on Oct 30, 2006 13:29:27 GMT -8
"I love you too, ya know?"
Music can be heard when you say,
"I love you, I love you."
It repeats in my head all day,
"I love you, I love you."
Your beautiful, bright eyes scream out,
"I love you, I love you."
All I hear, even when you shout,
"I love you, I love you."
Ever since our first kiss, I say,
"I love you too, ya know?"
I never thought it could go this way!
"I love you too, ya know?"
And I know this might be sappy...
"I love you too, ya know?"
But being with you makes me happy!
"I love you too, ya know?"
Those words you speak, I always hear,
"I love you, I love you."
Losing them became my worst fear,
"I love you, I love you."
And though my response may sound shy,
"I love you too, ya know?"
This feeling's just weird, not a lie!
"I love you too, ya know?" |
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Aureus
Veteran
Ghost[M:8240]
Here's to the memory, but if it's not killing me, it doesn't bother me
Posts: 937
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Post by Aureus on Oct 30, 2006 13:36:23 GMT -8
Not too complicated, short and to the point. I like it, mostly. Though it is just a little too repetitive for my tastes.
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Post by Mitsi on Oct 30, 2006 16:01:57 GMT -8
Look Ghiste! Kia ish reading your poem and is taking a break from her research paper!...
I like the choice of words you used, but like Fluffy said, it's too repetitive. Or for me it is, anyway. It seems like it would make a dencent song too, since instead of reciting it, I sang some weird melody with it.
(;
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Post by chihiro on Oct 30, 2006 16:22:17 GMT -8
I read it like a song too, and I imagined the plethora of "I love yous" as a little echo in the background, but yes, as a poem it's a bit repeditive, but I like the other words! ^_^
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Post by ag on Oct 30, 2006 17:34:20 GMT -8
I know. D=
I couldn't think of any cool six syllable things to rhyme with the initial stuff, so I just repeated them over and over and over, cause like... I could. Ya think, the girl I made it for will like by the way?
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Post by chihiro on Oct 30, 2006 17:36:54 GMT -8
Just take out the repeating lines in exception to the first and last in each little stanza and you're good to go. Ex: Music can be heard when you say,
"I love you, I love you."
It repeats in my head all day,
Your beautiful, bright eyes scream out,
All I hear, even when you shout,
"I love you, I love you."If you don't like that you can do something to that nature, even add another line after the 'day' one to rhyme with it to keep the flow going. You'll have her swooning.  |
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Post by max on Oct 30, 2006 17:46:56 GMT -8
I liked it, Ghiste (:
I dunno, it's not that repetive but how Chi did it just now was pretty okay too, but it was pretty good
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Aureus
Veteran
Ghost[M:8240]
Here's to the memory, but if it's not killing me, it doesn't bother me
Posts: 937
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Post by Aureus on Oct 30, 2006 18:05:19 GMT -8
Yeah, it's good. She'll like it. Heh, I still find the concept of Ghiste being in love strange. Not as strange as Armando being in love with Ann though, that was just plain...against the rules of nature. O.o
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Post by chihiro on Oct 30, 2006 18:18:12 GMT -8
Awww, Ghistey, you're too cute! ^_^
Go get 'er, tiger. XD
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Post by ag on Oct 30, 2006 18:30:22 GMT -8
...*Blushes*...
Well, ya know... heh... heh...
I'll try to fix it up a bit... maybe... I'll probably end up losing interest though like I do for everything.
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