A Collection of Thoughts (Chi's Blog)

[chihiro]

Entry One: November 15th

Blackbird singing in the dead of night
Take these broken wings and learn to fly
All your life
You were only waiting for this moment to arise

Blackbird fly, Blackbird fly
Into the light of the dark black night.

I just remembered today that I have a myspace. I guess I could thank Calamity for that. A spur of band-wagon syndrome? An unconscious need to communicate with others despite of my late desire to remain to myself? I don't know. I haven't checked it in a while. I just find it curious, I guess.

I think the reason I prefer to be on my own is because everyone I've let into my life has either disappeared or disappointed me in some way. My family, though honorable a successful as father says, is dysfunctional as hell. I don't blame Kenji for leaving, even if it means he's following in father's footsteps to become a martial arts master. Maybe he'll be a better man that our father, I can only hope. Mother is a wreck, but she still keeps up appearances. If only they knew she locked herself in her room for days at a time. Facade. That's all it really is. I feel sad for her sometimes, because I'd like to think she doesn't want to be the way she is.

Aureus. I don't even know where he is now. After we ended our relationship at the beach, it was like he dropped off the face of the earth. Is he even in Long Beach still? Did they send him away again? I think about him sometimes, where he is, how he's doing. But I think it's for the best. Everyone close to me always gets hurt or disappears.

Max. Though she didn't completely disappear, she did move away. My best friend. I really wish I could take back the fight we had over Aureus/Levi. I didn't even know that she and him had a thing. Nor had I known at the time that the red head was the other personification of the same person. Can two people really love the same person, who's actually two different people? I don't think you can. Maybe Max and Levi will make up. That would be nice.

Atticus, John, Saint...equally nice guys. Atticus understood the need to let loose sometimes, don radical clothes and glow bracelets and just dance your heart out. John knows what its like to keep a secret, to experience the not so shiny side of life but to kick it in the ass and keep going. Saint is the solitude of thought, observing sadness but remaining reserved. I've seen him around the halls, him being a pillar and all, but Atticus and John haven't been around. I'm not sure whats happened with them.

Do I need friends? No. Would I like them? I don't know. I guess it would be nice to have at least someone that I could rely on, but unfortunately I've come to find I can only rely on myself. And Valekin, but I work for him. So it's not really the same.

I'm going for a run, all this nostalgia is making me feel odd.


-AmuriChi

[chihiro]

Entry Two? March 3rd:


I am no solution
To the sound of this pollution in me, yeah
And I was not the answer
So forget you ever thought it was me, yeah

Im not the one who broke you
Im not the one you should fear
We got to move you darlin
I thought I lost you somewhere
But you were never really ever there at all

And I want to get free
Talk to me
I can feel you falling
And I wanted to be
All you need
Somehow here is gone

And I don't need the fallout
Of all the past thats in between us
And I'm not holding on
And all your lies weren't enough to keep me here


I don't know why I came back.

[chihiro]

Encrypted Entry: February 11

[Written in Japanese and encrypted so no one could ever read it. Paranoia ftw.]


I can't believe he's dead. Kiyoshi. Number twenty seven. Oh God.

I can't even fathom it right now. It's not like we were in love or anything, our relationship was purely physical relief in the stress that was our job. We never intended to make anything of it. Sure he was undeniably attractive, and I had a deep respect for him. He was one of the best in our group, like me. He knew what we all had to do, the consequences of our jobs.

He knew he could die.

I left Pennsylvania because I became pregnant with his child. I don't even think we said a proper goodbye. Once I found out, I made the arrangements before informing him and Valekin. I was in no state to be in the middle of the action. A child's life was one thing the SK did not barter. So I came home.

I was surprised to find Aureus still here. Sometimes I think he'll never leave, but he seems so miserable, and that I am a haunting reminder of what has happened here. He was very understanding and was there for me even when I lost the baby. I was a mess. I was such a mess after that.

So now?

Now I've lost the baby and I've lost Kiyoshi. I've lost every reminder of that relationship, and it is not something that can be fixed or reversed. All I can do is just...live.

Valekin is back in town, it looks like my work has started back up again. I'm going to the school this Friday to hack into the system and retrieve the new students files. It should be a piece of cake.

-18