Blood stained wings (Emily's Diary)

[seishounohana]

March 12

Dear Diary,

Aye. In all truth, you're... pretty much the first diary I had owned my entire life. Primarily because I didn't see the need to have one or maybe because I didn't think it would be interesting.

I was passing by a store from school earlier, and heard several sophomores talk about journals and stuff like this... and they said it was good for venting out problems, reminding yourself of ideas, feelings and stuff... so I thought I ... aoughta give it a try, right?

Ever since I've been back from Japan, I've been running into some strange people and... feeling strange emotions.

First of all, my more recent encounter with a guy named Aureus and a girl named Chihiro. Apparently, these two were an item way back. It was nice meeting new people and all, but I was really wondering if it would've been best if I left the scene... after all, those two seemed to have a lot to talk about that time. I hope they get their chance to talk soon.

Another is... the multitude of people I'm running into recently. Someone named Dots... er... Deta? Whatever. He's been bringing a dog along to school... is that even allowed? There's also this guy, Roland. He seems nice, actually. I've barely seen guys with his kind of demeanor. There's also this guy who kept blacking out. Toma, if I remember correctly. He always seemed deep in thought, I wonder what's on his mind?

Eh... and there's... well, the boss of the restaurant I'm in. I... think I'm having a bit of a crush on him.

>___>

<___<

I dunno... how but... maybe it was because he cared enough to ask me how I was, even went to the point of finding flight times. I wonder if he's really... as caring as he seems to be. Aye, I've gotta stop being so nervous around him. Better bring a couple of pills every now and then, I suppose.

Well I've gotta head for bed, Ciao.

Emily.

[seishounohana]

August 2

It's been a while, huh?

After all the shit that has been happening to me this past few months, I had finally come home to my painfully quiet abode. I had broken down a few weeks ago, forcing ... Eris, to finally come live with me. I thought, my first day alone on that Correctional Facility, that I was strong enough... both Physically and Mentally -- and that I had finally rid myself of her. No. I was wrong.

I broke down into a fit of rage, and self-hate -- basically sending whatever morals I had in my down the drain as I said yes to another dose of that dreaded drug.

I've injured/killed at least 50 people on there. I don't even remember what their faces look like, or what I actually did to them. Most I remember was waking up, soaked in someone else's blood for the second time in my lifetime.

It was really then, that I realized that I really am weak, in mind, body, and soul.

I've tried killing myself in the past -- but always backed out in the last minute, always -- due to my own fear of God, and the fear of him rejecting me. I'm afraid to die, and yet I look forward to it more than anything. Sometimes I confuse even myself, to a point in which I don't even know what's right or wrong.

I know one thing that's wrong for sure -- my existence.

My parents died because of a fire -- threw me literally out the window before the flames burned them to a crisp. I lived half my life not knowing that truth, nor the real name I was born and baptized with -- I don't know anymore if I should be happy that Shinichi told me about them, showed me the news articles with regards to their death.

I've never been lucky in these kind of things, that family and love thing.

That family that took me in after my parents died; I don't remember much about them... but, the things they told me bore themselves deep into my being: "Unworthy" "Stupid" "Useless". I've believed them and grew silent, and I've lived everyday regretting everything I have done -- with thoughts trailing to the "what would things be like if I--" kind of things.

The Aoyamas... were a Godsend -- but I was too busy pitying myself to appreciate everything. They, like my parents, died. I remember finding it so unfair, that I had to live when they had to die so violently. I began hating myself a lot more -- and hated myself twice as much when I was sent to America to be adopted again.

No one really wanted me around -- or at least, the people who do actually end up either dying or in great pain. I've noticed that trend, and until now that curse follows me.

I killed those Americans with my teeth and nails. I gnawed at their flesh -- and what's worse, the taste appealed to me. My beliefs couldn't take it -- I was disgusted at myself so much, that I tried to kill myself. No, that wasn't enough... God thought it would be funny if Shinichi and Layla were dragged onto my problems.

I got my freedom? ... but for what? Layla's legs and Shinichi's life.

Shinichi-san was a promising lawyer, a loving fiance to Layla. I saw that truck crush the car they were in. The fault was all mine. The curse followed them... and so, after a year to sort things out and calm my head (which actually did nothing), I ran away.

Ran all the way from Fullerton to Long beach, in the hopes that I'd live my life alone. I'd thought to myself that I'd continue my manga business for as much as I could, so that I'd be able to support myself. It wasn't easy, as that I had to keep on making calls to japan... and had to rush my work twice as much so that It would be mailed early, and sent to be published before the deadlines.

I survived, earned a bit... maybe even a bit too much. Though, honestly... I've never spent more than half my weekly earnings for myself, hence why this apartment of mine is so plain and empty. I have ten million in my bank account, and I've not even spent anything more than a couple thousand -- I'm just not worth spending money for.

I got what I want. I got my solitude, my means of living, and a school that had let me be by myself for a while -- but guess what? I wanted more. My own idealistic dreams of social acceptance forced me into this wretched system filled with blood and hypocrisy. I had to learn how to fight on my own, basically use what I DO know of myself. I don't know how to fight. In truth, I only know how to deal a few punches -- that's it. Nothing more. I'm that pathetic.

I had a business running well -- but no, I found it interesting to get an actual job. I wanted to feel normal. I should've known that would never happen in my lifetime. I've just got wonderful luck.

Now, I feel like I fell in love with someone I know would never like me back, and yet I continue to torment myself by liking him still. I'm not one person to give up that easily, though I wish I was. Then maybe I'd finally give up on myself, and actually permanently lie down in silence for good.

--- and after all that, I still want MORE!

I want more. MORE. More of this power, that I may finally see purpose in myself. I've received some power -- but what? My body got powerful, yes. But myself? No.

I can punch though shit, run fast, take a few good hits -- but NO. I can't fight, still. I'm still fucking incapable of defending myself... I'm useless, hopeless, pathetic -- you name it -- and STILL I fight just for the sake of proving myself wrong when I KNOW for sure that I'm going to lose.

I just don't know when to give up, eh?

I'm torn between my heart's loyalty to Militia and "Unfettered" and my mind's demands for more power. Mathew could surely give me the power I wanted, but no -- my heart told me to stay where I am, and do the best I could to serve Militia.

The best I could isn't probably enough.

I owe these guys a lot of things and I have yet to do anything significant for them. I'm probably, more or less, a filler character in my own story -- an ironic display of myself in which I'm just an object to throw around and abuse. I've gotten used to that belief, and believe it with all my heart.

In other news...

Months ago, before I was taken, I've heard that the position for the School's newsletter was empty -- It was a seat of authority, and I was disgusted at myself for wanting to fill that vacancy.

Shit.

... I don't know what to do anymore.

[seishounohana]

August 31

Today was just weird.

I was surfing the internet for good quotes to put onto my manga... (oh god, I'm like half a year late! I'm so sorry Saiyonji-san!)

Guess what...

I ended up looking at love quotes!

;

A few though, kinda struck me...

Looking back, I have this to regret, that too often when I loved, I did not say so.

David Grayson

I... admit to this. I suppose it has happened all too often. Also the reason why I told "Unfettered" how I felt even though I knew ... Rem would probably stop at it... later on if I just shut myself up and just... passed out instead of telling him.

--- I wonder if he took what I said seriously...?

... and come to think of it, did I really mean what I told him?

Then I came to this quote, coincidentally..

It is difficult to know at what moment love begins; it is less difficult to know that it has begun.

Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I figure, from observation -- the typical questions when you tell someone you 'love them' would be....

• "What did you see that got you to fall in love with me?"
  
• "Why me?"
  
• "When did you start feeling this way?"
  
• "How did you know about your feelings for me?"
  

That's like 4 out of 6, in the typical questions asked in High School Journalism when making a news article.

What?
Why?
When?
How?
Where?
Who?

Does it really matter what attracted you to someone?

Does it really matter to know when you started loving that person?

--- or possibly just how you come to realize: "Oh shit, I think I'm in love with this guy."

All I know is I.... might... possibly do love him. HIM, of all people I could have fallen for instead.

All i know is that my face felt warm when he was there; that I can't seem to forget that day when he was dangerously close to myself; that ever since I've come back from that absurd facility, that I've wanted to talk to him and ask many things; ... that I worry of what he might think after hearing news that I, of all people, had joined the student hierarchy?

... had I really fallen in love with "Unfettered" Winters, with no concrete reason as to why?

--No. Now that I think of it, there was.

When I looked for a job, I looked for more than just a job... or at least, I realize it now...

... I was looking for purpose. If I needed money I'd take some from my bank account. After all, I had like.. $10,000,000 at that time...

But... I still looked for a job -- bumped into him, and saw that look in his eye.

Affirmation.

I've always hidden myself under a pseudonym when I made my comics. Why? I was afraid that one day, I might make a bad comic and people would point at me and call me a failure of a mangaka. I've avoided talking with people who called themselves "fans" for the same reason.

But he called my work 'incredible' and myself, a "natural"; praised me in front of his customers....

In all honesty, I think it changed me more than I could admit at that time. I started to hope more for myself; wanting more of that... maybe not from him, but from everything.

He changed me.

That simple act had changed me.

I was able to do things I would've never done -- I sang in front of a crowd, in a school event no less; I let go of my fear of people and befriended Dion and Miria. Miria, who had also notably changed me and let me see a lighter, happier side of myself--

I wanted to become a better person, and in a hurry I went off to Japan with Layla and went though all sorts of medicine that didn't really work.

--- and the first thing that caught my eye when I came back to Long Beach, was him -- looking for me again. Why? To join his gang...

I'm not strong; I barely had any influence on anyone at that point in time... so why me? He sounded comfortable in my company, calling me "Em" so casually, and-- I started feeling warm and nervous for the first time in my lifetime.

I suddenly wanted to be part of his successes, to help him reach his goals.

It shocked me well enough, but I think I started to deny the idea that I did like him, subconsciously... until a certain encounter with two special seniors.

I still had doubts about my feelings when I confessed, and even throughout my stay in the Correctional facility. -- and probably was almost ready to give up until I saw him and that girl, Bastille.

... I was surprisingly, hurt.

I kept on watching them, and felt angrier with each second.

--- Was that... Jealousy?

Did I have the right to be, at that time?

But... the fact that I was hurt...

Maybe I do...

... Maybe I did love him.

Maybe I did.

... Maybe, I'll tell him again... and--

I think this time, I'll mean it.

[seishounohana]

November 5

Again, I find myself in the state wherein I fear I might never be able to come back,

I have Revealed the existence of Regalia to Drea, Alex and to David. Even as I write this, I wonder if it was the right move, or it would interfere with my obligations with Militia at all.

Considering how David had killed Gabriel, and how I saw everything.

... Why do I tolerate this?

Why do I fear becoming so god-damned weak and useless?

I would never admit it to David or anyone else, but it seems as if I have walked into a maze leading to a dead end. A depressing thought, but somehow - it seems as if my own fears of becoming "a monster" has come to fruition.

Even through this joke that a friend of mine told me - that horrible, horrible joke...

...

I found myself considering it.

Am I really that desperate for his affections?

Would he look down at me for being this way towards him? Maybe he would - only few people may probably not think I'm being pathetic. Heck, even Matrim says so.

...



...

I can't believe myself, how far I've fallen.

Now I'm calling myself a Queen in hopes of finding a way to put down the current hierarchy, or at least basically keep them in check. Last thing I want here is for anyone else to be killed.

I have to keep David in check too, lest he kills anyone again.

...

God damn it, I might need to talk to Elise and the rest of the girls about this - I know they might not like it, but I... have a lot of thinking to do. I know - I should take my meds regularly, but they seem to not work anymore. I'll need a more potent dose one of these days, but...



Maybe.... I really was to end up this way.

I shouldn't drag Ryuu and Drea onto my problems.

...

I need to face these alone.

...

... And if I have to, die alone.

[seishounohana]

January 1

I hate new year's eve. I hate it.

I hate the way fireworks sound so much like Gunshots.

I can't stand the noise.

I don't like the way the air smells.

But most importantly, the god-damned gunshots!

They say that loud noise wards off evil spirits, hence the necessity for loud, banging noise at the start of the year. But all I see is money being burnt. Not to mention, the danger of possibly losing a couple of fingers or limbs at the attempt of handling such pyrogenic material.

...

I start every year with fear, I'm afraid; and even though I'm already 18 years old and close to getting into a College I do desire, I actually feel silly and childish hiding under my table while lights of all sorts flicker from a distance across my window.

I just can't help but be reminded of things I really don't want to remember. It's sad that even though I've completely lost my ability to express my emotions, I could still feel them quite well. I feel fear, pain... love, and heartache.

Yeah, the pain's still there.

I guess I'll have to pick up the pieces and move on from here. Though I do believe that I won't have to start from scratch.

After all, I have Regalia.

...

And, of course; William. That is, if I could find the guy. He's apparently in the United States these days; but it's not exactly easy to find him. I could see why; he's a tycoon in the field of medicine.

It won't be easy to approach him. Stockholders won't exactly be happy me getting what they do think should be theirs. After all, health is a particularly lucrative business...

...

I have to do something quick.

But first, I hate fireworks. Argh.