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Post by "Unfettered" on Apr 14, 2008 2:33:57 GMT -8
April 14, 2008
Starting Time: 3:23 A.M. Dear Journal, Tired as hell. But I have been thinking over something. The power to protect others. I've been running various scenarios over in my head, yet, it always seems easier to kill, than it is to save. Going the extra mile and whatnot. The most recurring living example of this would be a new acquaintance... 'Saint'. A (mostly) level-headed nice kid I started a fight with. I was attracted to him by some vibe... but towards the end of our fight, his entire body-language changed. I dunno. If he had started out as a super-aggressive opponent in the first place, I'm not sure how I would've fared. However, for the most part, he gave me time to think over my moves, but was skilled enough to throw off my rhythm. My main concern, however, was his own philosophies, versus reality. Is it better to save to the majority, sacrifice the minority? Obviously, World War II was a situation where this was both right and wrong, working as a brilliant scape goat, but a brain drain for Germany, in regards with the Jews. But then, protecting everyone is strenuous in itself, and impossible. Even America, as it is now, is struggling in its efforts with the 'War On Terror'. A good cause... but call me a pessimist, but its obvious this has to end soon, for our economy's sake. This is actually one of my main issues, here in Public High School #259. If I was truly strong... had enough influence, had enough allies, certainly, I could afford to protect the entire school, and discipline it at the same time. But I'm no where near there, not the strongest at the school, nor as well respected. Yet, the lack of initiative on the Student Hierarchy's part has lead to the introduction of not only the S.H.C.P. (which, proving ineffective, has all but completely disbanded), but the Enforcers as well. Understandably, this is a school for hard knocks, but to have the ruthlessness of such extreme measures, beyond corporal punishment and the Student Hierarchy seems... unnecessary. However, the Enforcers technically 'are' strong enough, have enough numbers to protect, discipline, and save everyone... But they do not do so, they tend to be lazy... and... Ja. To be strong enough that you can not only just protect yourself, but others, and not only help others, but the aggressors... That would be true strength. ...Lacking that, I shall, however, choose the lesser of the two evils, and compromise. Guess I'm no better than them, though. Kek. This isn't everything I want to say, but all my thoughts are jumbled up, I can't think coherently. Perhaps this journal really will help me sort things out. Worth a shot, no? -Winters Ending Time: 3:36 A.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on May 12, 2008 10:08:24 GMT -8
May 12, 2008
Starting Time: 11:11 A.M. Justification Essay Rough Draft Currently, the scenario is much to our disadvantage. While we have the advantage in numbers, we’re severely outmatched in terms of skill and experience. This will have to be made up with enthusiasm, a few small victories, and more then a little bit of espionage. Currently, we’re taking a stance against the current Student Hierarchy and all Transfers, who are incessantly strong. Unfortunately, I feel as though I’m the only one currently strong enough to handle a transfer one on one, and even then, only barely. Taking care of the School Captain is becoming an increasingly necessary part. The Student Hierarchy is currently in the saddest state I’ve seen in all the years I’ve been here, making for an opportune time. However, taking it forcibly without any credibility could be just as dangerous, as it could make already well respected School Captain into a martyr, if taken down forcibly. Instead, further preparations to show increasing influence at the school will be needed, as well as potential propaganda. Its unfortunate, but this is a necessity. We are currently against the Transfers, but we are currently not strong nor influential enough to go public with this, without making ourselves a target. One of the main (although more personal) problems would be with the Enforcers, Sean Barker, and Mr. Malice. The connection to the drugs, my… Brimstone addiction. And the potential strength that could be utilized by Sean Barker. Currently, opposed to the Enforcers, but to increase our strength, we may have to engage into biological warefare with physically enhancing drugs. As they have had no ill-effect thus far (save for Brimstone…), we may have to take down Mr. Malice to insure Milita’s victory of a take over of the Student Hierarchy. We’ll need sufficient stockpiling of drugs, however, to be fully rid of the Enforcers, as Mr. Malice’s ill-begotten attempt to dissolve the Enforcers was poorly executed, and resulted in nothing but more tragedies. Conclusion: I do not know if the Student Hierarchy System idea by itself is flawed, but it is the given system of which we’re given to work around. The only alternative would be annilation of the system overall, forcing us to start from scratch as to how to deal with school disciplinary problems. Therefore, we will rid ourselves of the current inefficient Student Hierarchy, rid ourselves of the foreign Enforcers, put down the Transfers and force them to yield, and replace it with a larger, student-run Student Hierarchy by the natives, with better policing policies, actual training regiments, and increased power. Profile Assessment: Current Militia Definite Members: Emily (All-Around Supporter, Co-Founder) Chocorem (Enigma, Interesting Fighting Force, Co-Founder… But Must Be Seen In Action To Determine Full Stance) Dots (Potential Scout) Masaru (Potential Scout) Unfettered (Leader, For The Time Being) Potential Militia: Zan (Potential Scout, Overall Good Fighter) Gabriel (Potential Strategist And/Or Tactician) Deryk (Potential Tactician, Good Fighter) Potential Allies: Kane Hikari (Enigma) Potential Threats: Saint (Student Body President, Pillar) Current Known Threats: Mitsuki Park (School Captain, Pillar) Matthew Amtrum (Transfer) Leon Sudeki (Veteren Transfer) Enigmas: Aureus (Varsity Captain, Pillar) Enubia (Chocorem's Girlfriend...?) Civilians/Potential Collateral Damage/Non-Threats: Max (School Newsletter, Pillar, Gone To Texas) |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Jul 8, 2008 23:55:07 GMT -8
July 8, 2008
Starting Time: 5:08 P.M. Spilling A Soul Self-Essay I believe in God. I do not think he believes in me. Thus far, from the life I have been wrought, there is little reason for me to believe and or think so, nor do I think that I am being used for anything of some spiritual relations to convey evangelical messages of the Messiah to others, but, the fact remains: I believe in God. No Bibles, I do not go to church. I do not pray every evening. I rarely think of this entity, but the fact that I remain feels proof enough to me. My 'pride' dictates thus, my upbringing dictates thus, nor can I bring myself to abhor or defy such principles that have been pressed into my life, especially not now. For then, I truly would have nothing. There's no time. Or more accurately, I fail to make time. Perhaps that's my pride speaking. Ah. Pride. There's the touch, the spectacle. My lust, my envy, my gluttony, my sloth, wrath, and of course, my pride. Seven deadly sins. Yes, without a doubt, if nothing else, these are my proof that God exists. For who else but God would allow species upon species upon species to sin? This desire to create sentient beings, us, so that we may love him and believe in him of our own volition? This sick, twisted world that we have created for ourselves, because of our 'choice's, our 'reason'. That choice and reason that drives us to do what we 'think' we must do, that we 'know' we must do, for the sake of our 'cause', for whatever makes sense. It drives me insane (an exaggeration obviously), an edge of pressing, of pushing. All of what I am, my own personal flaws flaring up at every end that I try to move towards. With women comes the stereotypical lust. But not just any woman. Immediately with Calamity, Jenna, or whatever she calls herself now, I found out almost immediately that I couldn't stand the way how I came onto her, and she accepted me so easily. A bit of an experiment on my part, actually, as part to discover more about myself. Making excuses that she was weak or had a weak will (or other things... which were partially, mostly, or even completely true), but in the end, it was my own boredom with the easily caught prey. Hindsight has provided me with this conclusion: I desire women, physical touch. I am immensely attracted to the point where I cannot control myself, and this, for certain at least, is not an exaggeration. However, those who easily allow me into their hearts are nothing more than defeated prey, it appears. The following problem obviously being that I would probably end up looking for another woman, which would only cause unnecessary 'dramatic' problems for myself. Irritatingly, the environment itself conceives some of the most amazing looking and capable girls, culling from me both attraction of the physical, and even more so... the mental. For my lust, this attraction towards those of the female designation (or something fancy sounding that would further boost up my own ego for the sake of my own vocabulary), I would sometimes wonder if it would not be better if I were gay. The 'attraction' is there, but I myself don't believe it to be natural. At any rate, as long as not acted upon, or so long as I continue to convince myself in the interest of women, it satisfies my own personal judgment. However, at that point, we come full circle, and its the same God damned problem again. Honestly, if I had a choice in the matter, I'd rather be a eunuch... But this... 'part' of me, this lust is too deeply ingrained that it has already long ago been part of my core personality. Already exploring into the possibility that this need for attention, or at least 'physical' comforting... I can fault this both on the loss of my mother and the subsequent arrest of my father, as well as my own personal choice (or lack thereof) of my standings on personal self restraint. Foresight predicts that this issue will probably never be solved... Unless I could find some type of woman... but the options available to me also come with more than a tidbit of irony. Women. Complicated, curvy, breasts, the hips, lips, the tongue, the ears, the thighs, the arms, their waists. More so, attractive women. Intelligent women. Women with strong, independent wills of their own. Annoyances and vexations never end at the... 'need' for physical 'coddling' or kissing, these constant 'desires' flaring up essentially every day, as a further reminder that I myself am alone in this shanty of a building, as reminder that the path I've chosen for myself in my 'goals' and 'ambitions' are among the most 'wanting'. And of course, as if to contradict the past few paragraphs, the desire to have physical attention, to be able to hug, to be able to kiss, to be able to sleep with---All of which, in my life, simply does not occur, except as a 'once in a decade' sort of thing. A desire I will have to eliminate if I am to further my plans and come through it all at total efficiency. This 'efficiency' of my own capabilities is of course needed in order for my 'goals' to even be possibly considered anywhere close to being possible. And this is all just one problem. However, it's been seven hours since I started writing this blog. Obviously should have just saved a rough draft, instead of leaving the computer on and wasting money on electricity bills. Went... walked... 'hobbled'... however you want to call it... for an hour and a half today, to watch a movie. 'Hancock'. Thought I'd end up being alone as I'd do this, but, honestly... ran into a schoolmate, in what could only be described as a 'random' occurrence. It was fun... Ended up flipping the bird to some bastards honking the horn at us. Loneliness... Darn it. If only it'd been a girl or something. Dammit. I am a romantic, and I can't seem to stop. Worse, two colleagues are trapped in Sean Barker's hideout, with whom I find confusing feelings for. And two other affirmed comrades. Who knows what the hell they've gone through. And here I am watching a movie about a superhero. That's always been the issue with me, hasn't it? Life hasn't been amazing, but my issues are always petty in comparison to other people. But I'll get into that some other time. Seems like a good way to end this thing. Hopefully, Mr. Seran got the posters along nicely... Word of mouth should hopefully get along soon, and quickly. Now, all that's left is for... 'Chocorem', to get his part of the job done, and begin 'Militia', while I continue to recuperate. And prepare. Guten tag, California. Good time to sleep. -Winters ... P.S. Dual-wielding is much harder than it looks... Ending Time: 12:54 A.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Aug 9, 2008 13:52:14 GMT -8
August 9, 2008
Starting Time: 2:49 P.M. Thought Of The Day -Generally, after an extensive naval battle, it would be best not to eat to eat the fish for the next few years or so. Why? Yes, there is the general chemical spillage and other unsavory things we'd attribute with sinking ships, but let's not also forget to factor in the decomposition of all of the bodies. And the creatures that are feeding on them. Bad for morale. Ending Time: 2:52 P.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Aug 15, 2008 18:25:40 GMT -8
August 15, 2008
Starting Time: 7:20 P.M. Deep-Struck Lyrics ...I feel this song. So heavily, that I'm copying it into here. Makes sense to me.Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction Whether you're soaraway sun or BBC 1 Disinformation is a weapon of mass destruction You could a Caucasian or a poor Asian Racism is a weapon of mass destruction Whether inflation or globalization Fear is a weapon of mass destruction My dad came into my room holding his hat I knew he was leaving, he sat on my bed told me some facts, son. I have a duty, calling on me You and your sister be brave my little soldier And don't forget all I told ya Your the mister of the house now remember this And when you wake up in the morning give ya momma a kiss Then I had to say goodbye In the morning woke momma with a kiss on each eyelid, Even though I'm only a kid Certain things can't be hid Momma grabbed me Held me like I was made of gold But left her inner stories untold I said, momma it will be alright When daddy comes home, tonight Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction Whether you're soar away sun or BBC 1 Disinformation is a weapon of mass destruc You could a Caucasian or a poor Asian Racism is a weapon of mass destruction Whether inflation or globalization Fear is a weapon of mass destruction Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone Greed is a weapon of mass destruction We need to find courage, overcome Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction My story stops here, lets be clear This scenario is happening everywhere And you ain't going to nirvana or farvana You're coming right back here to live out your karma With even more drama than previously, seriously Just how many centuries have we been waiting for someone else to make us free And we refuse to see That people overseas suffer just like we Bad leadership and ego's unfettered and free Who feed one the people they're supposed to lead I don't need good people to pray and wait For the lord to make it all straight There's only now, do it right. Cos I don't want your daddy, leaving home tonight Whether long range weapon or suicide bomber Wicked mind is a weapon of mass destruction Whether you're soar away sun or BBC 1 Disinformation is a weapon of mass destruc You could a Caucasian or a poor Asian Racism is a weapon of mass destruction Whether inflation or globalization Fear is a weapon of mass destruction Whether Halliburton or Enron or anyone Greed is a weapon of mass destruction We need to find courage, overcome Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction Inaction is a weapon of mass destruction Ending Time: 7:22 P.M. Edit: Original Link No Longer Working. Accordingly Replaced. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Oct 18, 2008 2:03:44 GMT -8
October 18, 2008
Starting Time: 2:59 A.M. Gut Musik Something happy, something sad. The indecision suits life, what, with its 'Naaa - na - na - naaa - naa' I'd think, ja?Naaa - na - na - naaa - naa (8x) Ich fahre auf der Autobahn Und höre mir die Musik an Die Melodie gefällt mir sehr Mein Gasfuß, der wird mächtig schwer Ich halte die Geschwindigkeit Denn mein Ziel ist nicht mehr weit Die Melodie bringt mich nach Haus' Ich krieg sie aus dem Kopf nicht raus Naaa - na - na - naaa - naa (12x) Die Fahrt geht weiter, leicht legär Seh' Bäume, Wolken rings umher Ich fühle mich so gut wie nie In meinem Kopf nur Melodie Ich fahre nun zur Hauszufuhr Und hab die Melodie im Ohr Ich summe sie still vor mich hin Und merke ... ... dass ich glücklich bin Naaa - na - na - naaa - naa (10x) Ich fahre auf der Autobahn Und höre mir die Musik an Ich summe sie still vor mich hin Und merke ... ... dass ich glücklich bin Ending Time: 3:03 A.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Jan 14, 2009 23:28:59 GMT -8
January 14, 2009
Starting Time: Not Sure Dear Journal, Its gripping me again. The melodrama that wraps around me, choking my heart, blistering my mind with blinding heat. That annoying, burning sensation that I can only express to you, an inanimate object without berating myself over my own insufferable idiocies. Living a life so full of self-restraint and regulation is finally beginning to show signs of strain on my day-to-day life. Something about that… Something about just last December. Yeah. With that Olesya girl. And that little orphan. Maddie. I’m not going to get into details right now---I scarcely ever finish writing anything in you anyways, lest I even pick up the pen in the first place. Deustche, Deustche. Where hath thou fallen? Let me hear it one more time. The voice of reason. Really, its so hard to explain… The time I left Olesya and Maddie must’ve been one of---the worst night I’ve experienced. And the week after that. And after that. The loneliness, I mean, and the reveling in it. For the first day, I was stuck, looking at the wall. Stayed laying in bed. Stayed. The whole day. Staring. I didn’t want to eat, didn’t want to sleep, only wanted to think. I can’t say it was the first time, but being alone used to never weigh this much. I can only think that humans, being humans, need some sort of social interaction in order to remain sane. Didn’t even bother to eat anything or clean myself up at all. Its terrible, that---this feeling. I think back to Jenna. Mitsuki---Oh, for God’s sake, Mitsuki. Max. Emily. Hell, even Miria and that one odd girl with the large books. Then I look at myself, and my goals---more accurately, my decisions---Fuck it. Or I guess in actuality, I’d say “Vuck it.” Not in the mood. My decision was clear to begin with anyways. Ending Time: 11:28 P.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Sept 1, 2010 20:48:43 GMT -8
September 1, 2010
Starting Time: 9:42 P.M. Dear Journal, I have finally succumbed to the incessant (but admittedly cute) pleadings of Miss Dale and "Green" and have gotten a Twitter. Tai has already shunned me, referring to me as a "shallow husk of a man" (with several expletives thrown out) and I feel a mild emptiness to equate to this. This still does not mean I will admit to anyone that I have already secretly made a formspring several months back.Regardless, I was surprised to see what appears to be Mr. Blaze as well as Vespyr on twitter as well and even more so at being able to find them so easily, given the lack of information I have on the two of them. The fact that Mr. Dots has one, however, leaves me mildly disturbed as I admit I find it difficult to associate Mr. Dots with computers. Regardless, Twitter appears to be a useful tool, if only to watch other people "tweet" and perhaps skim bits of information while I'm at it. ...And perhaps enjoy it as a bit of a guilty pleasure...Ending Time: 9:47 P.M. |
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Post by "Unfettered" on Oct 16, 2010 3:45:23 GMT -8
October 16, 2010
Starting Time: 4:18 A.M. Dear Journal, I dreamed that I was young again. Really young. Mom and him had just gotten a new house with a nice, pure white carpet. I was about two at the time and I loved this white, empty house and I could crawl through it for days. I crawled and "walked" on the sofa, I would walk around the house with my tiny little legs, fascinated by my ability of mobility, fascinated at the infinite decorative designs that mom and him set up around me, gradually making the house less white with an increased number of things that weren't white. Looking back on it now, I can still reconfirm that prior to the start of school, I had ignored the calender completely. I had no concept of the twelve months that branched out into collective weeks, nor the names of days that sprung from these weeks. There were the "names" known to me as set periods of time that were completely irrelevant to me and my "days." These "days" of mine were seperate, everyone of them was new and filled with whatever mom and him had decided for me, and should it lack that, what I planned for myself. These "days" could not be bound by any categorical sense of time. Christmas was a set period of time that occurred when the weather turned cold at its own whimsy and likewise with all the other holidays. I was still oblivious to the turning of the "Earth" and its seasons but rather was inspired that every day occurred at random. My imagination flew and I was naturally drawn to an unspoken sense of order with my toys, arranging them about in strict mannerisms, creating my own rules, my own pretend governments. This, in turn, probably stemmed then from my own figurative obeisance to my parents and their laws. But from nothing there was both chaos and order in the softest worlds of imagination. It was in this precious, little time that without knowing of how to treasure it that comprised of all the perfect elements of a controlled freedom, but freedom nonetheless. It was a defaulted mindset, an unspoken identity, an already carved happiness. It was an ideal before it was an ideal: an existence, a being, an entity. Note to Journal, writing an hour before the time to wake up leads to dramatic writings. Regardless, with this, I have been reflecting on myself. My incapability to use Qi the past few month has been depressing. My true abilities being sealed have been... limiting (as however obvious as that sounds, it's been a terrible time). When trying to release the full power of my destructive, labeled "259er" I.D., I find myself quickly withdrawn an easily spent down to the halved minimum. This is why I bring up the dream and why I'm glad for it. I have a few experiments to do again, but... I think it's back, it's coming back. And to think it was as easy as to remember the time when I was most unaware, before thought, before knowledge. During that time of limitless creativity where the mind knew no bounds of itself, was still learning everything about everything, that power to create, the blank slate to design... Against my own desires, I have been resting my body for a long, long time, trying to recover from my injuries. If not for Tai, Marina, and "Teal," I don't know if this body of mine would've lasted as long as it has. Heaven knows I still have much I need... or more accurately "want" to accomplish. I suppose if I died that there would be nothing lost. Still, I'd rather not. I would really rather not... just yet. I have another plan, a plan I'm already putting into action. We'll see if I succeed, Journal. I think it will. End Time: 4:44 A.M. |
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