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Post by Mitsuki Park on Aug 29, 2009 21:42:41 GMT -8
AUGUST 21ST, 2009.
On August 19th, Mitsuki, Reita and Andrew were all searching for files of Andrew Black that might appear on the newspaper, internet, people... They had been searching for days, and when things finally seemed as if they were going no where, Reita got into contact with a coroner that pronounced Andrew Black dead. And so when Andy went to visit said coroner, he was shown pictures of a dead body that looked to be Andrew Black, and he made copies to bring back to Mitsuki for confirmation. Mitsuki, on the other hand, refused to see the pictures or talk with the coroner. Such a thing was not possible; there was no way that Andrew was dead. She was in denial because it simply wasn't possible. But on the 21st of August, she broke down and went to a graveyard. Reita had written down where Andrew Black's tombstone would be located, and she had to check for herself - yet at the same time, still refused to see the pictures or talk to some stranger.
And she broke down. It was a Wednesday morning, around five a.m. and there was no one that she could see in the area. As soon as she saw his name etched onto a tomb, her legs collapsed and she fell onto her knees, tears unknowingly pouring from her eyes. Her heart ached to see such a thing, and at that exact moment, she felt exactly what she felt when she was told her baby was stillborn, and more. An excruciating amount of pain and loneliness. At least when she lost her baby, she knew she still had Andrew. But believing that he was six feet under completely destroyed her from the inside. She choked on sobs, bringing up her right hand as she bit down hard onto her index finger's knuckle.
She sat there, tears endlessly pouring out of her eyes for two hours. After two hours, her hand dropped down to her side and she decided that it was not possible. Through her own skewed logic, she came to the conclusion that he was alive, and that she just had to find him - but how? And more importantly, was she going insane for thinking this? Just like when her baby girl died, she kept thinking that she was alive but...
Either way, she stood up and stared at the tombstone for another good fifteen minutes before walking away. She had school that morning, and as the newly appointed school captain, had a certain quota to fill. She would not be returning to this grave site, or so she told herself. Just seeing a tombstone with Andrew's name on it was painful. But now that it was engraved into her memory, she wanted to stab herself repeatedly, as if it would make it go away.
"I'm okay," she told herself.
"I'm okay."
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Post by Mitsuki Park on Aug 29, 2009 21:57:10 GMT -8
AUGUST 27TH, 2009 "I...I can't find him," Mitsuki said in a tired tone, and both Reita and Andy sighed out of frustration. They knew how much she was going through. She was juggling five AP classes, the title of being School Captain, Track & Field, and finding Andrew Black. Repeatedly they would tell her - just as they told her about her baby - that Andrew Black was dead. The evidence was all in her face, and she just wouldn't accept the fact that he was dead. She had been searching for him non-stop for six days, getting perhaps 3-4 hours a sleep a day, some times less. This worried the two greatly; perhaps they wouldn't have minded if she actually found something, but there was nothing. Absolutely nothing, and Mitsuki was growing weary by the millisecond. "Mitsuki, you need to forget about him and move on."{"Yeah, quite frankly, it's getting kind of annoying."} Reita elbowed Andy in the ribs for saying such a thing, but to be honest, Mitsuki could see how it would get annoying to him, and she was sorry, too. She knew that the two only meant well, but neither was able to understand how she truly felt. Andy might be able to know on a certain level, as well as Reita, but only to an extent. They did not carry a child for 9 months and lose it in 11 hours. They did not have the father of said child also shown to be dead. They did not hold the title of captainship at their school, nor did such a thing exist at their school's when it came to be. "You need to go out and make new friends, Mitsuki. It's your senior year..."Mitsuki stayed silent. She avoided eye contact with them both. Andy thought it was ridiculous how Reita even allowed Mitsuki to get this out of hand. Reita thought she needed more time for realization to set in. "You're living a lonely life, Mitsuki."She nodded her head. She was living such a lonely life, wasn't she? She thought about her close acquaintances, and how close she got to being friends with them, but... One event led to another, and soon there was no relationship. Dion and Unfettered had been the closest she had gotten to a friendship. But Dion had cut off all ties with her after she rejected his feelings, and Unfettered had somehow turned into an enemy. There was Veggie, but that was more like a fling. Olyesa, but Mitsuki could not find her. Saint, but he, too was missing. Aris...but he disappeared after them meeting. Ghiste, but he was also long gone. And then there was Andrew Black. Her best friend, her boy friend, her lover, her wall. He was there when she could not stand on her own. He was there when she first received her contacts. He was there to fix up her car. He was there when she left, and was still there when she came back. But now he was not there, and she couldn't help but think why he wasn't where she wanted him to be. Was she being selfish? Yes. So did that make her a bad girlfriend? Was she not worth it? He was far too good for her, she will admit that, but he said he loved her. Was that a lie? Did he simply use her? Did he find out about their kid? Did he get angry for her not telling him, or did he run away not wanting the responsibility? So many questions, but she could not answer them. And now, Reita's words rang through her mind. "You're living a lonely life, Mitsuki.""You're living a lonely life." |
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Post by Mitsuki Park on Aug 29, 2009 21:57:39 GMT -8
AUGUST 30TH, 2009
There was a lot of ambivalence going on in her life. A part of her told her to move on, that Andrew Black was dead and no longer living, while the other part of her told her to cling onto what little hope remained. And with her brother and someone that was like her brother pushing her in the direction of moving on, it was easy to tell that Mitsuki was being influenced to move into one direction. Yet, at the same time, she felt as if she would deeply regret forgetting about Andrew Black. She already found herself believing that he was now dead, and soon after, she completely forgot what his face looked like. And it killed her to know that she forgot. She was now living in depression, but did not show it. There were no visible signs of Mitsuki falling into the deep end - if anything, she kept everything well glued together.
But she knew that the glue would eventually fall apart, and Mitsuki herself would have to be a stronger form of glue. And to do that, she had to forget Andrew Black. And so the ambivalence comes in. Would Andrew ever forgive her if she forgot him, even though he probably wasn't alive? The mere thought of him gave her pain, simply because she couldn't find him. And Reita's words continued to ring through her mind - about living a rather depressing, lonely life. The fact that she had no friends finally set into realization...
In bed, she would groan. She was terrified to sleep because of memories that would haunt her from the past. Ones that she did not remember would rise from the ashes, and the ones she desperately tried to bring up were long gone with the wind. She only showed her pain to herself, when there was no one else in the room with her, but she knew that Andy and Reita could still hear the painful cries when she sleeps, and the deadly silences when she's awake.
"Andrew, is it okay if I forget?" she would ask herself, "Or is it an unforgivable mistake...?"
She told herself that she would come to a decision by the next morning; but what she didn't realize was that her subconscious had enough of her depressing nature and had already made a decision. Whether she would forget or remember was no longer a choice; it was a given.
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Post by Mitsuki Park on Aug 29, 2009 21:58:03 GMT -8
AUGUST 31ST, 2009
Once asleep, all Mitsuki ever did was dream. Sometimes, they were pleasant, but would make her incredibly sad when she woke up. And sometimes, they were painful, and waking up just heightened the reality of her nightmares. To have a sudden realization was not exactly a pleasant feeling - not to her, at least. Epiphanies may have been good to a certain extent... So, to say that tonight would be the last night Mitsuki dreamed would be rather pleasant to her subconscious. No more freaking out when she woke up, and no more freaking out when she slept. Her body would be able to relax, as with her mind.
She was on a beach by herself, a bonfire set ablaze right next to her. And on the ground beside her feet lay her memories in the form of pictures and letters. There was a picture of her in the hospital, giving birth. There were letters of words that Andrew and Mitsuki had exchanged. There was a picture of her and Andrew in bed, of him fixing her car, of him approaching her. There were letters that were between her and Scene that mentioned Andrew, and letters between her and her brother and Andy mentioning him as well. Everything in the pile had to do with her lost lover, the one that involuntarily was causing her all this pain - or so she hoped it was involuntary.
She was wearing a thin strapped, black dress that flowed with the obnoxious wind. It was incredible, however, to watch as the thin sheets of paper of notes and pictures stay absolutely still, as if the wind had no effect to them. She smiled as she read some of the letters and saw some of the pictures, and frowned at others. She could remember each letter and picture in clear detail of her memory...but in a moment's notice, each picture and letter were suddenly in the fire. No longer in her hands, no longer in the floor - but in the fire. She tried to get them out, but the fire only grew, and grew...until there was simply nothing but ashes left.
And Mitsuki's attire turned white. An overwhelming amount of guilt settled in her gut, and then...
She gasped awake. Her heart was pounding against her chest, and she frowned, trying to recollect her dream. She could not remember, and it was then five in the morning, and so she climbed out of bed to go jogging - which she had not done in a long time. So when she stepped out of her room in shorts and a tee shirt, ready to go running, she shocked both Andy and Reita who were up doing some research - but on what, she did not know. She tried to look, but they covered it up, and so she brushed it off.
{"Mitsuki... Reita and I decided we'd help you look for him."}
They decided to help her look for her lover because they had been the ones to hide her baby. Or at least, Reita was, and now Andy knew what Reita had done. But it was too late. She arched a brow and slipped on her shoes, her hair pulled into a high pony tail...
"....him?" she asked, and couldn't help but feel that she had forgotten something extremely important, which was odd. She had great memory, and to feel as if she forgot something so big... She searched around the room.
"...what are you looking for?" Reita asked, and Mitsuki frowned. She had everything she needed, didn't she? Her shoes and herself were all that she needed to go running. Water she would get later...
"...I..." she started, a pause before she continued her phrase as she shook her head, "Nothing. I'm gunna go jog, see you later."
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