Post by Nicolette Bontecou on Dec 24, 2009 13:56:40 GMT -8
It was another day in this miserable thing I called life. Another chance at shuffling through the world and trying to put forth the image of being 'normal'; whatever that may be. Was I ever really normal? Did my life ever really have any meaning to it? I questioned myself on this constantly, and always I came up with the same answer. No. I had never had purpose, I had never had meaning to my existence.
Sure, there had been a time, not that long ago, when I have had believed that I found my reason, my purpose. But as everything else, it was a ruse, a lie that I allowed myself to foolishly believe.
Fille stupide.
Alas, there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could only hope to prevent myself from making the same mistake twice. I would never allow myself to open up to feel that sort of misery again. Happiness and joy were cruel demons, emotions that built you up to suffer all the more when they left you. Never again would I allow them to play their cruel jokes upon my heart.
La douleur est la seule chose que l'on permettra jamais que mon coeur sente.
I looked up at the school now, as I stood outside the massive walls of this new establishment. Well, new to me at least. This school was new, this town, this country. It was all strange and should have been nerve racking or exciting. But I felt nothing. Just the same cold, dull drone of emotional emptiness I had felt for the last year of my life.
Had it been a year already? A year since he had been taken from me? Since my Father had destroyed all that I would have been? A tinge of pain felt in my heart as this realization hit me. Yet I showed no sign of it upon my expression. No, I would pretend to be like everyone else. I may not feel, but I could fake emotions and appear to be just like everyone else. I had perfected the art of this skill, had worked hard to make it seem as though I still had warmth running through me.
A young man passing me, his eyes running over my body in that hungry fashion that I had noticed most American males were capable of. He would smile, and in return I would force the expression to curl upon my own lips. But inside, nothing. No disgust, not happiness, nothing but the same icy feeling that resonated from my heart.
Yes, I would be fitting in here nicely. I could already tell.
Sure, there had been a time, not that long ago, when I have had believed that I found my reason, my purpose. But as everything else, it was a ruse, a lie that I allowed myself to foolishly believe.
Fille stupide.
Alas, there was nothing I could do to change the past. I could only hope to prevent myself from making the same mistake twice. I would never allow myself to open up to feel that sort of misery again. Happiness and joy were cruel demons, emotions that built you up to suffer all the more when they left you. Never again would I allow them to play their cruel jokes upon my heart.
La douleur est la seule chose que l'on permettra jamais que mon coeur sente.
I looked up at the school now, as I stood outside the massive walls of this new establishment. Well, new to me at least. This school was new, this town, this country. It was all strange and should have been nerve racking or exciting. But I felt nothing. Just the same cold, dull drone of emotional emptiness I had felt for the last year of my life.
Had it been a year already? A year since he had been taken from me? Since my Father had destroyed all that I would have been? A tinge of pain felt in my heart as this realization hit me. Yet I showed no sign of it upon my expression. No, I would pretend to be like everyone else. I may not feel, but I could fake emotions and appear to be just like everyone else. I had perfected the art of this skill, had worked hard to make it seem as though I still had warmth running through me.
A young man passing me, his eyes running over my body in that hungry fashion that I had noticed most American males were capable of. He would smile, and in return I would force the expression to curl upon my own lips. But inside, nothing. No disgust, not happiness, nothing but the same icy feeling that resonated from my heart.
Yes, I would be fitting in here nicely. I could already tell.
I am Trent.)