Post by Mathew Amtrum on Dec 30, 2013 21:40:00 GMT -8
(Rejected letter to Evelyn and Aryanna #37)
To my Dearest Girls,
I am sure that by the time you are old enough to read this you will have heard a lot of horrible and conflicting things about me. Possibly even the terms of my death. I can not speak much on the first one as I do not know the exact details of my impending death, only that it draws closer by the day if what I learned from the Fates is correct. Though I can speculate on what it is that will kill me, to do so here would be pointless. As for the first thing I feel like I should be honest with you, which has always been a policy of mine, but more so given that we will never have a chance to talk again.
It is very likely that every horrible thing that you have heard about me is true. I make no excuses for my actions, however heinous they may be. They were my actions and I chose to do them. I have my reasons, and always have had my reasons. And I do firmly believe in everything I've ever done, I believe I have always moved toward a better world, a safer world. Even at my most monstrous. Monstrous times call for monstrous people, but if I have done my job then it means the world no longer requires people like me and that you have both grown up to be outstanding and healthy women. If I have one hope for the future it is that you are not living in the kind of world that made people like me, that needed people like me.
It is also likely that you may have heard heroic actions I have taken, and it is quite possible that these too are true. Though I would not always call them heroic as I would call them necessary. There are often times when what needs to be done is dangerous, reckless, and just plain stupid. To do these actions despite of that is what it is to be heroic, to fail is what it is to be called a fool. Heroism should not be confused with idealism, and idealism should not be praised. Not even my own idealism. Idealism is a virtue for the foolhardy and reckless. Think things through, understand your limits and what you can and can not do, but remember that limits are made to be broken. Do not impose too many limits on yourself, but do not jump in over your head. Mastering the art of telling what is over your head is one that I wish I had been able to master, but I fear a lot of what I did was sheer luck and stubbornness. However I have the utmost faith that you both will be better than I ever was. That you can learn from my mistakes and have a chance to do that which I never could do. Be happy with your life and who you are. Because you are both beautiful girls, and I know without a doubt you will become beautiful women.
If I could instill one value into you it would be the importance of choice. You always have a choice in everything you do. There is never a situation when you do not have a choice, even if it isn't obvious. We are the choices we make, the mistakes, and the victories. Embrace them all, there is no shame in a mistake. Learn from it, be better because of it. Choose to be yourself, not what anyone else tries to make you.
I wish with all of my heart that I could be there with you. If I have one regret in my life it is that I will not get to see you grow up, and to see the women you will be. I will never be at your wedding, or hold your children in my arms. But that is a choice I am making, and I stand by the choice. Because what I do may not seem like it, but it is out of love. It is out of the desire to make the world a better place for you, to give you a safety that you would not otherwise have. I know these words are of little comfort when I am not there, and reading this you probably wish I would have chosen to live. To change my path and my destiny, but to do so would put you in harms way more than I can allow. Even knowing that you can not be killed violently I can not allow you to grow up in the kind of world that is shaping right now. I can not allow the monsters that exist to roam free twisting and corrupting the hearts and minds of the people, of the land itself.
I do not know if your Mother has explained the pendants you both wear, but if not I will explain them here. They are tokens of protection, a wish granted for winning against the embodiment of chaos. They will always protect you and can never be taken from you by anyone other than me and your Mother. So your safety is assured. When you have children of your own let them touch the pendant and a new one will form for them that can only be removed by you and your husband. So shall our line be protected. Starting with you. Everything I do is for you.
I do not expect you to forgive me, I do not expect you to understand. I just hope that in time you can see that I love both of you more than anything in the world. I would burn the world for you, and I gladly give my life to make sure I don't need to burn the world for you. I do not know if it is an issue, but do not be too hard on your Mother. She is and has always been an amazingly strong women. I can not predict the effect my passing will have on her. But the woman I feel in love with is strong and loyal. Fiercely so, and I know that she would do the same thing for you girls if called to.
I have enclosed some of my findings and research should you choose to pursue it, I would rather you have a chance to learn from me instead of fumbling in the dark as I had to. Leon Sudeki can also help you, if he is still alive. As can Kiyr Barrial, and Rai Sudeki if they are alive. Do not give your trust to others easily, even these people always keep in mind your own interests. But these are people that I trusted with myself, and that I believe you can trust. However that choice is yours. No matter what choices you make in your life I am forever proud of you both.
With the eternal love of a hopeless Father,
Mathew Scott Amtrum.
(For the monthly 2/3 words 1177)
To my Dearest Girls,
I am sure that by the time you are old enough to read this you will have heard a lot of horrible and conflicting things about me. Possibly even the terms of my death. I can not speak much on the first one as I do not know the exact details of my impending death, only that it draws closer by the day if what I learned from the Fates is correct. Though I can speculate on what it is that will kill me, to do so here would be pointless. As for the first thing I feel like I should be honest with you, which has always been a policy of mine, but more so given that we will never have a chance to talk again.
It is very likely that every horrible thing that you have heard about me is true. I make no excuses for my actions, however heinous they may be. They were my actions and I chose to do them. I have my reasons, and always have had my reasons. And I do firmly believe in everything I've ever done, I believe I have always moved toward a better world, a safer world. Even at my most monstrous. Monstrous times call for monstrous people, but if I have done my job then it means the world no longer requires people like me and that you have both grown up to be outstanding and healthy women. If I have one hope for the future it is that you are not living in the kind of world that made people like me, that needed people like me.
It is also likely that you may have heard heroic actions I have taken, and it is quite possible that these too are true. Though I would not always call them heroic as I would call them necessary. There are often times when what needs to be done is dangerous, reckless, and just plain stupid. To do these actions despite of that is what it is to be heroic, to fail is what it is to be called a fool. Heroism should not be confused with idealism, and idealism should not be praised. Not even my own idealism. Idealism is a virtue for the foolhardy and reckless. Think things through, understand your limits and what you can and can not do, but remember that limits are made to be broken. Do not impose too many limits on yourself, but do not jump in over your head. Mastering the art of telling what is over your head is one that I wish I had been able to master, but I fear a lot of what I did was sheer luck and stubbornness. However I have the utmost faith that you both will be better than I ever was. That you can learn from my mistakes and have a chance to do that which I never could do. Be happy with your life and who you are. Because you are both beautiful girls, and I know without a doubt you will become beautiful women.
If I could instill one value into you it would be the importance of choice. You always have a choice in everything you do. There is never a situation when you do not have a choice, even if it isn't obvious. We are the choices we make, the mistakes, and the victories. Embrace them all, there is no shame in a mistake. Learn from it, be better because of it. Choose to be yourself, not what anyone else tries to make you.
I wish with all of my heart that I could be there with you. If I have one regret in my life it is that I will not get to see you grow up, and to see the women you will be. I will never be at your wedding, or hold your children in my arms. But that is a choice I am making, and I stand by the choice. Because what I do may not seem like it, but it is out of love. It is out of the desire to make the world a better place for you, to give you a safety that you would not otherwise have. I know these words are of little comfort when I am not there, and reading this you probably wish I would have chosen to live. To change my path and my destiny, but to do so would put you in harms way more than I can allow. Even knowing that you can not be killed violently I can not allow you to grow up in the kind of world that is shaping right now. I can not allow the monsters that exist to roam free twisting and corrupting the hearts and minds of the people, of the land itself.
I do not know if your Mother has explained the pendants you both wear, but if not I will explain them here. They are tokens of protection, a wish granted for winning against the embodiment of chaos. They will always protect you and can never be taken from you by anyone other than me and your Mother. So your safety is assured. When you have children of your own let them touch the pendant and a new one will form for them that can only be removed by you and your husband. So shall our line be protected. Starting with you. Everything I do is for you.
I do not expect you to forgive me, I do not expect you to understand. I just hope that in time you can see that I love both of you more than anything in the world. I would burn the world for you, and I gladly give my life to make sure I don't need to burn the world for you. I do not know if it is an issue, but do not be too hard on your Mother. She is and has always been an amazingly strong women. I can not predict the effect my passing will have on her. But the woman I feel in love with is strong and loyal. Fiercely so, and I know that she would do the same thing for you girls if called to.
I have enclosed some of my findings and research should you choose to pursue it, I would rather you have a chance to learn from me instead of fumbling in the dark as I had to. Leon Sudeki can also help you, if he is still alive. As can Kiyr Barrial, and Rai Sudeki if they are alive. Do not give your trust to others easily, even these people always keep in mind your own interests. But these are people that I trusted with myself, and that I believe you can trust. However that choice is yours. No matter what choices you make in your life I am forever proud of you both.
With the eternal love of a hopeless Father,
Mathew Scott Amtrum.
(For the monthly 2/3 words 1177)