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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 17:51:27 GMT -8
Evelyn was feeling restless, to say the least. For all that she was trying to roll with what was happening since coming back and coming home, she couldn't shake the constant feeling of "not enough," or the struggle in just how much she didn't know. Or thought she knew. Even with being brought into the Deadlands and the extra training, it weighed on her mind.
Her hand reached up to rub the back of her neck at the memory of steel slicing into flesh, then nothing. The horror that came with it and the fact that she'd probably have lost her shit if she hadn't just been reassured that things would work out somehow. But words were one thing, and she felt like her results were another - more of the "not good enough" she felt lately. Even with her improvements, it was more than getting her original strength back now.
The thought still plagued her as she went looking for Mathew, hoping to talk to him like they hadn't since she was brought back to life.
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 17:53:16 GMT -8
Mathew was outside in the yard smoking a cigar and looking over the landscape of the area. Just picturing and thinking about the last time he was in the war, and what was to come.
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:13:57 GMT -8
"Daddy?" She knows he's aware of her being there already, but it's habit to make sure he's not in the middle of something else.
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:17:22 GMT -8
"Whatcha need sweety?"
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:22:05 GMT -8
"Can we talk for a minute?" She hops down from the porch.
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:22:28 GMT -8
"Yeah, what's on your mind?"
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:31:46 GMT -8
A lot.
"How would you say I'm doing with the training?" Given the frown she's got going on, it's obviously not just th grade she's concerned about.
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:32:47 GMT -8
"Faster than most people, slower than you need to with the war coming."
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:37:50 GMT -8
She nodded, reminded again they were at war. Or would be. She felt so small just thinking about it. Her father was a war god for a reason. Eve still struggled imagining herself being anywhere near his level.
"What am I doing wrong?" She sighed, running a hand through her hair. "Half the time I feel like I'm failing, and not just if I lose in our training. It feels like I'm swimming through jello anymore and can't keep up even when I'm doing everything I can, or like when we were in The End."
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 18:41:38 GMT -8
He turned to face her, taking a long drag on the cigar as he looked her over, blowing the smoke off to the side away from her face.
"You are not committed. You are so unsure of yourself that you hesitate before every step, that fear is going to hold you back and get you killed. Again."
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 19:18:26 GMT -8
She couldn't deny that. Even with the burst of anger that came and went when she thought of the man who destroyed her family, there was fear. Fear now that she wasn't going to be able to keep up. Maybe even the reason she sought him out tonight. She couldn't recall a time she'd felt like that before. Not for long. The world used to feel like it was hers and she could do anything.
Eve’s mouth opened to speak up, then shut again as she recalled waiting even then before lashing out at Chief Laim, the man who thought to use her as a threat. The moment of fear and paralysis - figuratively - before acting in her own defense. And failing.
Asking how was on the tip of her tongue, but not for herself.
“And out here? It’s that black and white?”
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 19:19:55 GMT -8
"Literally kill or be killed. It's cliche but might makes right."
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 19:36:39 GMT -8
"Definitely cliche," she agreed. She can't help but think of those who coudln't fight, those too young, old, or anything else. Ending that much life for what they wanted. No, it was what was needed. Worse things were coming, she understood that, but it was a lot. A lot of death.
"It's just...a lot. I feel like I'm five steps behind everyone even when I'm right beside you. I think I know, I understand, and then I find out I'm wrong." She shook her head. "It's so different now, and not just here. I just feel like I'm missing something. Things that everyone else seems to know, and I go with it, but it feels like there's more I need to know and don't even know where to start."
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Post by Mathew Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 19:40:45 GMT -8
"You are five steps behind me. That's why. But in time I expect you to not only catch up to me, but to run ahead of me. You're a God Damned Amtrum and we don't settle for being second best." He dropped his cigar and stomped on it harshly grinding it into the dirt.
"I can't tell you what you are missing if you don't tell me. You already know what it is, you need to figure out how to solve it, or express it. Because believe it or not you are ahead of most in what you do know. You need to apply it."
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Post by Evelyn Amtrum on Mar 7, 2019 19:49:52 GMT -8
They were words she knew by heart and lived by, usually. Amtrums were never second best. She was losing to herself before she ever lost to anyone else. And how in the world did he think she was going to surpass him?
Her hand fell back to her side as she shook her head, exhaling deeply.
"Is that how you did it at first? Focus on the 'me or them' when you killed someone?" She had no idea what shed manage her first time, but Eve wasn't dumb. She knew there would be someone, somewhere, she would have to. Not in a war, not at a distance. She'd have to see their face, hear them. Hells, it could be her one day, if they got best of her.
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