I Don't Get It (Ardan)

[Tina Bennet]

It was dinner time for the circus caravan, the wagons pulled up in a circle near a village that Tina couldn't care or bother to remember.  After a while, they all just kind of bled together, anyway.  But something that was just as common in her life now stood out to her, and left a nettled burr in her backside as she chewed the sausage of whatever beast was on the dinner plate tonight.  She eyed the cookire, then at those who settled around it before going to seek out Ardan.  Wherever he was.

[Cillian McWolfe]

Ardan was on top of his wagon, laying down and looking up at the night sky and the stars. What was once a one-man show was slowly growing to a group, and he hoped a family. They had some laborers now to put up the tent and break and make camp. A couple of musicians that were looking for work after their village was burnt to the ground, and then performers like himself and Tina.

He couldn't help but wonder where they would end up next, and what they would find when they got there.

[Tina Bennet]

Tina had to look up to see him, but the figure was familiar enough with the splash of vibrant hair. She leaned against a tree with her small hip, chewing thoughtfully as she studied him with an intensity that could probably burn a hole through someone's head if she wanted.

"I don't get it."

[Cillian McWolfe]

"Hmmm? Don't get what?"

[Tina Bennet]

"Why you're so nice to people." She finished her food and scrambled up, sitting on the edge of the wagon top if there wasn't a tree or some other form of perch for her to sit on above him. Her lips pursed like she'd tasted a sour candy.

[Cillian McWolfe]

He shifted and sat up, swinging his legs over the side of the wagon, which would give Tina plenty of space to sit.

"Why wouldn't I be nice?"

[Tina Bennet]

"There are two types of nice people." She ticked off each option on a finger. "People who want something, or people who don't know better." She dropped her hands into her lap, staring at him in frustration.

"But you're not dumb enough to be those type of people."

[Cillian McWolfe]

He chuckled lightly, leaning back on the wagon and pressing his palms into the wood as he looked back up at the sky.

"Well, I'm flattered that you don't think I'm stupid. Means I must be doing something right." He'd say glancing back at Tina with a grin. He knew his Father would disagree, tell him what he was doing was stupid. But that was fine, he made his choice.

"I think you are smart too Tina. Smart enough to know that grouping people into just two groups is doing a disservice to themselves and yourself. People are complicated, and there are a lot of reasons to do the right thing. To be nice to people. I mean, you want me to be nice to you, right?"

[Tina Bennet]

Tina stuck her tongue out at him when he chuckled and bantered. But he understood she gave him props, which was also important. Compliments were even better.

"Yes..." She eyed him warily, like there was a trap or trick in the middle of the puzzle he presented. "But you go around being nice to everyone. You leave yourself open to them scamming you, and you're better than that!" She slapped her hand on her thigh for emphasis, frowning and not taking her eyes off of him.

No blinking.

[Cillian McWolfe]

"Maybe, but don't you think the world is crappy enough as it is already? Look at the places we visit. Most of them poor and barely getting by. People working themselves to death to try and scrape out a living. Sure there are bastions of civilization here and there. But the further away you get from those, the worse the living conditions are. Kindness is a seed that needs to be spread across this vast wasteland. If we allow ourselves to be afraid of being taken advantage of and show up everywhere treating people like criminals then how can we honestly succeed in bringing joy to people who otherwise have none? How can we create a better world if we don't take the risk of the first step?"

He shrugged.

"It's not that I don't think there are people out there that will take advantage of kindness. But it's a risk I am willing to take."

[Tina Bennet]

She actually listened to him, lips pursed and head cocked, but listening. Right up until Ardan mentioned being afraid; she bristled and sat up straighter, eyes narrowing.

"I'm not afraid," she pointed out before anything else. She worked, in her own way, for what she had, and no one else was taking that from her. Besides, there were rules to follow. Civilization fell apart without a few basics. That's why you had to keep a good rep when you gave your word for your business.

But, more importantly, "Why? Why are you okay with that? People can find or make happiness just fine if they really want it."

[Cillian McWolfe]

"There are a lot of ways to express and manifest fear. Sometimes it feels like anger, but that is beside the point. I am not trying to say that you are specifically afraid. And if you were, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm afraid all of the time." He said with a weak laugh, running his hand through his hair.

"Fear is nothing to be ashamed of, it helps us and guides us. As long as we remember we are in control, not our fears." He'd offer with a smile before moving on to the real point, the crux of the matter.

"I don't think happiness is that easy to find. Not real happiness. Even our show is only a fleeting diversion. But you can't really be happy if you don't feel safe and secure. If your basic needs are not met then you can't pursue things like happiness and fulfillment. As for why I am okay with it? It's complicated I guess, and to be honest I don't have a great answer for it. But growing up I was never hungry, were you?"

He'd wait for her to answer before continuing.

"I had everything I could want, I had shelter, food, water, an education. I had a life before this, a good life. An honorable life and I'm sure I've disappointed a lot of people throwing that away on this venture. But I look around the world outside of my own four walls and I see so much suffering, and I can't abide that. But I also can't understand it because I never experienced it growing up. My world was very different, so now I'm putting myself into the real world, and I acknowledge that there will be times I will probably go hungry and that I will suffer. But that is okay, because if you can survive it. If the countless people we encounter can survive it then I can too. And if not then I suppose I wasn't really cut out for my old life anyway."

He said with a somber sigh, glancing back up at the stars.

"I guess for me what it comes down to is faith. And I don't mean in the Gods but in men and women. In mankind. I have faith that you are a good person Tina, and that if given the option and some trust that you will ultimately choose to do good. That whatever your selfish moments or desires might be, that you are a good person. I have faith that most people, when given the chance, will choose do to good, and yes there will be some that don't always choose to do what I'd hope they would. But I have faith that people are good and just. Even when they don't think they are."

[Tina Bennet]

She pulled one of her marbles from a pouch as rolled it between her fingers as the conversation continued, listening with a healthy (or unhealthy) amount of skepticism as he described fear as a worthwhile thing. It probably was, but it was also dumb. It could keep you alive, and it could hold you back. But she'd eeked out a sense of happiness all her own, with what little family she had and a few cohorts. She was happy when she was in control and had power over them, but wouldn't have like if it was the other way around.

Still suspicious, she nodded slowly. "Sometimes." It was harder with no home and no parents. Just her and her brother. She made it work, but it wasn't easy, and yes, there were times she went hungry. She shifted, the memories unpleasant but as much a part of her life as breathing was. She was better than that now. Stronger. Faster. More powerful.

It was also the first time he'd ever really mentioned his old life. It was a general rule of thumb that people didn't talk about the past unless they felt like sharing it, but seeing Ardan so down was like watching the trees dance together instead of growing roots. Deflecting his opinion of her with a huff, she leaned forward, elbows resting on her thighs.

"So why give it up? If you had all that - everything people what to be happy - then why throw it away?"

[Cillian McWolfe]

"Because I believe I can do more to help people here than in my old life."

[Tina Bennet]

Ugggggggggggggggggggggggh.

"I guess." She shrugged, uncertain of his old life or what he wanted other than to help people. She frowned.

"So you're okay with being conned as long as it makes people happy?"